Reasons Why You Should Never Spend a Holiday with a Vegetarian
An all too familiar sentiment amongst hardline vegetarians is, "I won't eat anything with a face, but yours is ripe for punching. You sick, murderous, vile, meat-eating bastard". Unfortunately, many of these adorable dietary misanthropes masquerading as respectful human being happen to be people we care about, are related to, or both. But don't let that get you down. The holidays are a supposed to be a time of the year when we all give thanks to the ones we love, and are mindful of all the blessing that make our lives meaningful, beautiful, and worth living. Let's be honest though, if it wasn't for familial obligation, loneliness, or the Las Vegas buffet sized meal we probably would never associate with most of these people. Regardless, you may find yourself in a position where you'll need to invite a vegetarian to your holiday affair.
Here are few reasons why you might want to reconsider:
1. Chances are they're coming alone.
51% of vegetarians are single; mostly because they can't find someone compatible with their eating habits.http://www.eatveg.com/vegandating.htm
Loosely translated: I would rather spend my life miserable, sexless, and alone than associate with one of you soulless demons. Let us translate that for you one more time: there is a 50/50 chance that your guest is depressed, lonely, hateful, and to top it off... sexually frustrated. Yay.
The level of comfort in your dining room is going to be on par with Adolf Hitler showing up to your kid's Bar Mitzvah. If this sounds like your kind of holiday party then by all means, live.. it.. up. That dejected, malnourished, liberal arts major probably can't wait to talk to you about lentil pancakes, composting toilets, and the 99%. This dude is probably not a vegetarian. I've been wrong before, though.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/0e/Anger_Controlls_Him.jpg/800px-Anger_Controlls_Him.jpg
Nothing says "Happy Holidays" like sharing a meal with someone that has an aimless, murderous (but virtuous!) rage in desperate need of an outlet.
2. Galeforce Flatulence
It's not the aging Labrador that your kid have been feeding microwave burritos and Pepsi, it's the vegetarian. According to gastroenterologist, David H. Van Thiel, M.D, "Vegetarians, who actually pass a lot of gas, frequently have quiet, frequent flatus because they have large, bulky stools and looser sphincters"
http://www.unusualresearch.com/fart/fart.htm
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2563/is-there-more-flatulence-in-a-vegetarian-diet
3. Many vegetarians are confused about what "vegetarian" actually means.
There are many people out in the world that claim to vegetarians, yet eat fish, chicken, or eggs. We'll be the first to admit that we know absolutely nothing about marine biology, but last we checked fish actually aren't vegetables.
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/food-and-drink/news/can-you-really-be-a-vegetarian-if-you-eat-fish-766673.html
4. They not so secretly think you're the devil.
It may just be a taste we have yet to acquire, but we've found that dinner is almost always more enjoyable when you're not being accused of murder or Nazism.
tp://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2003/mar/03/advertising.marketingandpr
As much as we want each and every holiday meal to be a drunken cacophony of happiness and gluttony, we can't help but wonder if some of our dearest friends and family wish the definition of justifiable homicide was a little bit broader. Of course, not every vegetarian is like this. And make no mistake, being a vegetarians isn't a bad thing. It's quite a wonderful thing if you consider many of its ethical, moral, and environmental benefits. We're really happy for you vegetarians. Truly. We just wish you would shut the fuck up about it and eat whatever bland, flavorless bullshit tickles your fancy. Where's the damn roast?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2003/mar/03/advertising.marketingandpr
5. Even if they don't equate you to a turkey Pol Pot, they probably see themselves as superior to you.
Tania Lombrozo at NPR sums this up perfectly, "People who are vegetarian or vegan for moral reasons do think their dietary choice is morally superior to that of omnivores. That's why they're vegetarian or vegan."
http://www.npr.org/blogs/13.7/2012/11/26/165736028/its-time-to-end-the-turkey-tofurky-thanksgiving-food-fight
A study at the University of British Colombia demonstrates that vegetarians see themselves as more virtuous than omnivores.
http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0195666311000341
6. Their hateful disapproval of your eating habits might be a cover for seething, ravenous jealousy.
One survey of ex-vegetarians, performed by the magazine Psychology Today, noted that 20% of their participants "talked about their protein cravings or how the smell of sizzling bacon would drive them crazy."
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/animals-and-us/201106/why-do-most-vegetarians-go-back-eating-meat
7. Let it be known, Tofurky is complete and utter bullshit.
If you question this point, I invite you to taste Tofurky. To include this in a holiday celebration is a recipe for sadness. The kind of desperation that would cause someone to eat this culinary disaster is like the desperation that would cause an alcoholic to drink hairspray.
